A Little Catching Up...

Wow, it has apparently been a very long time since I last updated my blog!  I don't even know really where to start so I'll just go with a quick update for now...

The girls are doing great!  We are well into the new school year and so 3rd and 7th grade are going great so far

Rylee is involved in American Heritage Girls for the second year, Art Club, Center Stage Show Choir and she is on the drama team at church.  She continues to be a happy, loving and beautiful child and I am so blessed to be her Mommy!

Hanna continues to love horses and has recently started riding again.  Not only is she learning to ride on many different types of horses, but she is also learning how to work with the horses in preparation for some day running her own training and lesson barn.  Seventh grade is definitely different, but I am proud of her for having the strength to sometimes go against the crowd.  Seventh grade has been a roller coaster of learning for her, and somewhat confusing with the flock of boys that always seem to be following after her.

I am praying for wisdom to know how to help guide her through this time of crazy emotions, rapid brain development, and growth spurts - did I mention that she is now taller than me???  I really was not ready for that one!

Otherwise, things are good and always busy!  I am going to leave this post at just a brief update for now.  I have several posts coming together in my head, and I hope to dedicate some time to putting them down in writing soon.

I will leave you with one last picture:

 

Sunday Snapshot {Family Time}

Three years and four months ago, we brought Rylee home from China.  Just after receiving our travel approval, my husband lost his job.  It was a stressful time, but nothing was going to stand in our way of bringing our daughter home.

He took the first job offer...  it was several states away, so we packed up and left for China.  We came home as a new family, to a new home, in a new state - where we knew no one.  It was hard, it was stressful, it was lonely, it was scary... we made it through.

Four months later my husband was offered a job back in the same area we had just moved from.  We went back.  It was another move, more stress and more change for Rylee.  But we made it through.

One year later, my husband lost his job again...  It was hard, it was stressful and it was time to give up on the auto industry.  We did not want to move again.  I started working two jobs and I was fortunate to be able to do both from home.  We also started our own business and one or both of us have worked 6 to 7 days a week for the past two years.  We made it through.

And we have thrived as a family.

These past few days, we have finally made it to the point where we can take our first non-working - the four of us only - family trip!

The place was beautiful...

The weather was perfect!

The sunsets were amazing!

The children were fun and smiling and beautiful!

The beach was breathtaking!

The trip was perfect!

And I am so thankful!

Adoption: The Missing Pieces

I knew when we adopted Rylee, I had missed out on a lot of things.  How she looked when she was born, seeing the first time she focused her big beautiful eyes on someone.  The first time she held her head up, the first time she rolled over, the first time she sat up or pulled herself up on the furniture.  You get the picture...

I knew that I missed those things and it makes me sad... but what I wasn't prepared for is how much it hurts my heart that I don't have these experiences to give to Rylee.  I can't tell her what time of day she was born, I'm not even exactly sure if the day we think she was born is really the right day.  I can't tell her how old she was when she took her first step, or about the adorable facial expressions she made as a baby.  I don't have these memories to give her and it makes my heart ache so deeply when she asks for them.

I wish I could tell her how often she kicked, or how long my labor was, or how I fell head over heels in love with her when I smooched her little baby cheeks.

Yes it hurts me that I didn't get to experience these moments with a daughter that I love so incredibly and so deeply.  But it hurts so much more, that I can't give these things to her.  I can't tell her much at all about the first 4.5 years of her life.  There are no baby pictures, no baby stories... so very little to help fill in the pieces of her early life and she wants to know.

Most of her questions come from our recent venture into our home movies.  First we watched all of the videos of her.  I knew that this might be difficult, but she really wanted to see them.  We watched her on video as she joined us in China, and her first days home.  We moved on to weeks 1 through 8.  Then we moved on to more of a monthly video and watched how fast she grew.  She was tiny when we got her and she was baby like in many ways, but she was not a baby.  I am so very thankful for all the "firsts" we were able to catch on video with her.

Then when we were all done, it was time to watch Hanna's baby videos.  I wanted to watch them after Rylee was in bed because I thought it might be hard for her.  But she really wanted to watch them and see Hanna as a baby.  I debated because I wasn't sure that at 7 years old, she really needs to confront this yet.  But on the other hand, we are a family and keeping Hanna's baby memories just between the three of us is excluding Rylee from that part of our family - also not sitting quite right with me.  Can I and should I shield her from her past?  I wasn't completely sure what the right thing to do was.

I settled for trying one video and snuggling close with both girls.  The first video started at my baby shower and boy was I pregnant - whewwww!  Rylee said "Wow!  Mom you gained some pounds there!"  She "Awwwww'ed" her way through the first video completely enthralled by the pregnancy, the labor and the newborn baby.  She decided that someday, she might want to have a baby in her "tummy" AND adopt some too. I was relieved because she seemed to be doing very well with it.  She thought Hanna was adorable and loved every minute of the tiny baby video.

And then the questions started:

"What time was I born Mommy?"

I'm not sure baby...

"Did it hurt when I was born?"

"Yes, I am sure it did." (I am confident that this is a truthful answer)

"Which one is my China Mom again?"

"We don't know who she is." She snuggles in tighter to me.

Each question feels like a knife, straight into my heart.  I want so badly to give her these answers.  I want so badly to have been there for her.  I want her to have these missing pieces.

I can't give them to her.

The next day, she tells me she misses her China Mom.  I hug her and tell her that I know she does.  I tell her that I bet her China Mom misses her too because I know that if she wasn't with me I would miss her so very  much.  She is quiet and thinking for a long time.

Then she tells me "I'm glad I am here Mommy, I love my family and our house and living here.  It is better here for me.  God found the best Mom for me and I am happy."

I hug her but can't really say anything, because there is a big lump in my throat.  I am fully aware that there will be more question.  Questions that I have no answers for.  I want to protect her, to soften things for her, to give her everything she needs.  I hope that she grows up always knowing that she is deeply loved, deeply wanted and treasured beyond all imagination.

Adoption Photobook

I wanted to share the photo book I made for Rylee, using pictures from our trip to China:

You can view the whole book by following this link:   http://www.poyomi.com/book/547a3e77bf30407790a833b48444fb37

Rylee really loves the book, it was so sweet to see her reaction when we looked through it for the first time.  She put her hand on my face and told me "Mama, you have just the right face and the best nose".  She gently touched my nose and then put her hand back on my cheek, looked straight into my eyes and told me "you are just the Mama that I always wanted, and I am so glad you have the right face, you are the best Mama that I exactly wanted"...

I am not quite sure what she meant about having the right face, but I am thankful that I do!  In any case, it brought tears to my eyes.  I am not sure how we got so lucky, but I am ever so thankful that she is part of our family.  She is exactly perfect for us!

If you are interested, I am giving away three photobooks.  You can enter here.  The contest ends 11/26 at midnight and has very low entries!

No I am not allergic to my blog...

Today I received a message from someone asking if I had developed an allergy to my blog.  I started laughing, until I realized that it has been 5 MONTHS since I posted anything here!  Is anyone even still out there? 

What is wrong with me you might ask?

I do not have a good excuse... just busy working, raising a family, blogging, working, watching my house pile up with dust balls, working, taking pictures that fill up my laptop and just sit there, working and blah, blah, blah.... I know these are not nearly good enough reasons to be failing my loyal reader (you are still there right mom?)...

So today I am turning over a new leaf, or maybe I should say an old one, and am determined to catch up my blog, return to practicing my photography skills (which are getting rusty, while others of you have gained amazing skills during my absence!) and find out if any of my old friends are still here!


I am doing some clean up of my blog, deleting some really old stuff, changing things up a bit and making room for more.  It may be a bit messy for a little while, but I'm pretty sure we can all use a break from the bright pink background...

So I am going to leave you with two small bits...  with the promise of more to come (for real!):

Conversations with Rylee:

Rylee:  Mom, do you want to know what I am very, very, very thankful for?


Me:  Yes I do Rylee, what are you very, very thankful for?

Rylee:  I am very, very thankful for our swelter!!!

Me:  Okay, and what is swelter?

Rylee:  You know the very, very top of our house with the points on it and the little brown square things?

Me:  You mean the roof?

Rylee:  Yes MOM!  I am very, very, very thankful for the roof that is on top of our house, that is the swelter!

SO when you are all counting your blessings this Thanksgiving day, do not forget to add your swelter!

And I also give you this, because I think you need it:

 Consider it a gift :)

You just gotta love pure 7 year old delight!

It's five minutes long, but how sweet Rylee was with her excitement about her Birthday gift!



Pictures and details to follow :)

Update 6/3/2010

When I picked Rylee up from day camp yesterday she hops in the car and I hear her repeating this over and over:

"Seven not six, seven not six, seven not six, seven not six..."

After several minutes of this I ask her what she is doing. She says "Well, I just don't feel like I am seven yet, so I am making myself know that I am seven not six!"

As of this morning, she still had not convinced herself!

"I knew I would..."

Tomorrow is Rylee's 7th birthday (crazy isn't it??), so tonight I made her very favorite meal (Ramon Noodles) for her for dinner.

Just as I was finishing up the noodles I heard her mumble something under her breath.

I said "What did you just say?"

Ry: "I just said something about you, but I can't say what."

Great must be another one of her spicy comments, I was thinking. So I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with what I was doing.

Ry: "Okay, I will tell you what it was. I said I knew that I would get a good Mom."

That stopped me in my tracks and I went over to stand in front of her. "What do you mean, you knew you would?"

Ry: "When I was in China I knew that I would get a good Mom. In China I did not have a good mom."

Not quite sure what to say I just asked her why she says that...

She gets a big grin on her face and says "Mom you know! In China she made me wear pants that showed everybody my booty! That is not good! Peoples don't want to have everyone seeing their booty! Also I had boy hair!"

And then she threw her arms around me and kissed me about 100 times!

Cleaning up...

These chairs seem to be a dumping ground for the girls after they get home from school. Daily they are piled with books, papers, backpacks etc... and every day I have to get after them to clean up their spaces.

Today Rylee was so pleased to show me that she had cleaned up both chairs - and believe me with end of the year books and papers coming home in record numbers the piles were especially high.

I was so please and told her how wonderful it was that she cleaned up not only her own chair, but also her sisters as well - without even being asked!!

She looked at me, like she was all perplexed...

"But Mom we sang the song together!!"

Now I was confused... The song?

She rolls her eyes at me "YES Mom, the song... Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere, clean up, clean up, everybody do your chair!"

I actually did not tell her yet that we are actually singing "do your share" and am still laughing!!

2 Years Ago Today - I touched my baby for the first time...

One of the first pictures we saw of Rylee was this one...

And now she has grown into this:

I am overwhelmed with emotions today... two years with my baby girl. It is just so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that two years ago today we were nervously waiting in our hotel room for Rylee to arrive. When she did she was scared, reserved and so small! I was so worried about bonding with her and if she would love us... love me... and want me for her mom.

Two years later it hurts to breathe when I think of what life would be like without her. She has so firmly planted herself in my heart that it is almost hard to believe that I did not give birth to her myself. When I look at her, my eyes well up with emotion and I just want to scoop her up and hug her and tell her how happy I am that China let me be her Mama. And I do...

And she laughs at me and says "Oh Mama, I just love you so so so much! You are my best mom ever and China did a good job making us a family, didn't they Mama?"

They did and I am forever grateful!

It's finally happened... "I have two Mom's"

Let me start by backtracking a little bit. We talk about family a lot with Rylee especially. She brings it up and tells us often that she is glad that China gave her the best family, or that she is happy she has a family now. But she really does not want to go any deeper into the conversation than that.

The other day we were out at a deli having lunch and there was a really cute, young girl cleaning off the tables. Rylee talks to everyone and this time was no different. She asked the girl what she was doing and if she had kids. She laughed and said no and told Rylee that she was cute! Rylee looked at me and sighed and said "I wish I could have that girl for my Mom!", I said "what?" Rylee said "I like that girl, she is a good Mommy, I love it to have her for a mommy." I am sure the hurt registered on my face before I could make a neutral expression because Rylee was looking at me and said "never mind". She kept looking at me all through lunch, I was kind of avoiding her gaze because she is so very good at reading people and I didn't want her to feel bad or think that she had hurt me. Pat told her later that she has one Mommy and that is me, and I will be her Mommy forever and ever.

Later that night I spoke with her about it. This is what I told her "Rylee, remember when you said that you wanted that girl to be your mommy?" She nodded and wrapped her arms around me and hid her face in my neck. "Listen to me okay? It's okay for you to like people and if you think someone is really nice and you think they are pretty - that is okay! But you don't know that person, she may be a good Mommy someday when she is a little older, but right now she is a kid. She is older than you, but still very young. If you like someone and you think they are nice or pretty, it's okay to say "I think she is nice and she is very pretty". I think that is what you meant today." She said "That is what I want to say - that girl is beautiful!" We discussed what being a family means again and how special it is and also that it is about relationships. I think to her the highest compliment she can give to someone is to tell them that she wishes they were her mommy. She has told me this about pretty much everyone that she likes and her friends Mom's that she thinks are really nice. Especially the ones that let their kids do whatever they want including yell at their parents, talk back or even hit, stay up late, watch sponge bob (things we don't allow) etc...

It's so easy to try to read stuff into days like this. I know she loves me, love us and feels like she belongs here. She is comfortable and settled. When we first brought her home she would do what is known in the adoption community as "family shop", she doesn't do this anymore BUT she is also far from being ready to sleep over at friends houses or spend extended amounts of time with other families. It's something that is not always understood by my friends or people that are not very familiar with adopting older children.

So the next day when Rylee told me that she "wants two mom's", my husband assumed this had something to do with the girl at the deli and he went right into "you have one Mommy, Rylee and you love her very much! She is your Mommy forever." She wrapped her arm around my neck tighter and said "I have two Mom's, Dad! I talking about my Mom and my China Mom!!!" Now I set her down so that I could look at her because this really surprised me. She has never mentioned another mom (except for her China Little Mom, which is an older girl that helped care for Rylee in the orphanage). I said "Rylee, are you talking about the Mommy that had you in her tummy in China?". She nodded, "Yes, that is the Mom I am talking about - I have two right Mama?". I got down on my knees so that I would be eye to eye with her and told her that she is absolutely right, she does have two Mommies. She has her China Mom and she has me. She said "Right and you are my Mama forever, because China gave you to me so that I could have a Mama forever." and she hugged me. The conversation was over, but in reality I think it is really just beginning. I just hope I do this right...

Totally unrelated I wanted to share Rylee's Sunday outfit. The first outfit includes one of my old black party dresses from many years ago and the thing on top of her hat is a little number that goes over one of her Disney nightgowns lol! Very creative - but I made her go try again. The second outfit is Hanna's shorts that she insists are her size now. We let her wear the last one :)

My Heart for the Children

This poem was written a couple of years ago by a treasured on-line friend of mine, I get it out every now and then as a reminder to me. She gave me permission to use this once, I hope she doesn't mind that I am posting it here. Thank you Lydia!

MY HEART FOR THE CHILDREN
by Lydia Tarr

Little ones crying, no comfort is theirs
Older ones dying with no one who cares.
Alone in their misery and no joy in their soul
their hope finally dies, life has taken its toll.

I can't save them all but I'll do my share
to show to the world how Jesus would care.
He would open His heart and and all that He gave
would be theirs without asking - their lives He would save.

Not fame, nor fortune or riches found
bring life real happiness or a future that's sound.
Giving to others and true love He did give
Is the example He set - in the life He did live.

He gave up His crown and throne up above
to live on this earth and show us His love.
He who welcomes a child like this in His name
reflects the true heart of God - for He did the same.

I wish I could go back and change the way I did live
I'd make different choices and more I would give
I've had so many chances but consumed by my greed
I've lived a life for myself and ignored their need

I'd gladly trade the glitter of gold,
the sparkle of diamonds and treasures untold
to be a tool in God's hand, to sacrifice for His gain
to give children a future and relieve them their pain.

Treasures in Heaven is what we're told we should store
but we live in a world that's consumed to buy more.
Let not moth nor rust come to destroy
The rewards earned in heaven, is a giver's true joy.

Is it only for some that can hear God's call
Or a command from above to relinquish our all?
Fields of the fatherless - the needs that aren't heard
The answer can be found if we would seek God's word.

A smile on their face and joy they should know
what every child needs in order to grow.
A family who's willing to show them true love
Like the measure we're given from God up above.

Oh Lord please remind me - each and every day
to get down on my knees and for them I will pray
Remember the children, for them I speak
A home for them all I will continue to seek.

The spirit of adoption reveals a religion that's pure
God's heart for the children - a love that is sure.
Consider their future, for He did the same
by adopting us in and giving us His name.

He grafted us in to a vine not our own
so that we too could call Heaven our family home.
Showing compassion and mercy, reflecting God's glory
Opening hearts and homes - a new end to their story.

Why are we here?

One of the questions that we get asked often is why we have continued trying to adopt after the disappointments that we have experienced. I will admit that there have been times that I have had the same thought, but the answer is always the same... somewhere out there we have a child and we have no choice but to do everything within our power to find her and bring her home. I believe with every inch of my heart and soul, no question, beyond any doubt, with 100% conviction that we have been led on this journey, not by our own desires, but by God's own hand. Why has he chosen us and why this child? I do not know, but as I follow the journeys of those that have travelled this road before us, I am humbled and amazed that I could be chosen to be part of something so incredibly amazing. When I think back over my life and the many blessings that I have been given, I can't help but think that I have been given much more than I deserve. It will be such an incredible honor and privilege to be entrusted to love and care for another child, I only hope that I will be worthy of this trust and responsibility! If parenting Rylee is half as rewarding as parenting Hanna, than I truly am blessed beyond measure!

How we got here...

It was a very sad blond haired beauty that stole our hearts and led us to adoption. We jumped right in to claim the child that had stolen my heart in one short breath. She was adopted by a Russian family just before we traveled to meet her over two years ago. Heartbroken and numb we switched agencies but continued on with a Russian adoption knowing in our hearts that our child was still out there.

In April 2005 we traveled to Siberia to meet a tiny little monkey girl and her daddy fell head over heels in love with her. In the week that we spent with her we taught her how to smile, hug, chew her food and laugh, in that week she changed our lives, our hearts and our world forever. We whispered our love for her into her ears and promised that we would be back to get her. The judge would no longer take American cases. We waited and hoped and prayed for our little Nastya and in March of 2006 her birth family took her from the orphanage, she is not ours.

We were done, we could not continue with this adoption stuff. Obviously we were not meant to adopt but.... I couldn't help myself and somehow found myself joining the WCC yahoo group and the beautiful stories of these special kids and adoption from China drew me in. I remembered the reoccurring dream I've had that started over 30 years ago. In the dream I am calling my daughter and when she turns smiling to look at me, her beautiful features are Asian.

So dear sweet Rylee, we have finally found you and we are so excited to bring you home ...

Our Journey - Part 10

(If you are just joining in, you may want to start at Part 1. The links to all parts are in my side bar.)

The Hilt case was only one of many recently reported incidents of abuse reported within adoptive families that broke at or around the same time. Combine that with rumors flying around Russia about American families wanting to adopt children for body parts, well things didn't look good for those of us in the middle of the adoption process and waiting for court dates.

It was easy to feel angry with the judge as she turned away American family after American family. Demanding excessive and ridiculous amounts of paperwork. And yet, if I had approved an adoption to a family that I thought would provide a good life for a child, I know I would feel partly responsible and maybe I would feel like I had been fooled by people pretending to want to provide a loving home. Maybe it would cause me to mistrust all families that would come before me in the future.

In any case we waited. Month after month passed by and no other American families were successful in getting court dates. The Judge retired and we celebrated! Finally a new judge and a new hope! That hope was short lived however, as the new judge was said to be even more against Americans adopting. We then started hearing that money was now being offered to birth families if they would come take their children back. One by one families were notified that birth families had returned for the child, and that their chosen child was no longer available for international adoption.

One night I dreamed: Large balls of fire were raining down from the sky. I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. The sky looked angry with fire balls flinging in all directions but aimed at the earth. A voice boomed to me "The end is near, time has grown short. Do not fear for you have done well, REMEMBER I love her more than even you. Do not fear for I am here!"

I bolted upright, drenched in sweat my heart feeling like it would burst through my chest and my entire body trembling! I ran to the window, more than half expecting to see the fire! There was none. I sucked in breath trying to make sense out of my dream. Was it a dream? It was so incredibly real, it felt real. My body still shook from the hugeness of the voice. I fell to my knees and prayed to God, my Father, the One who loves me more than anyone. My heartbeat became more bearable and I could finally breathe again, and a peace came to my heart.

Over and over I thought about this dream. What does it mean the end is near? THE END? I hoped not, but the end of what?

It was only a few weeks later that we received the news. Nastya had been taken from the orphanage by her birth family. We could no longer adopt her. I hoped it was true, even though they had never even went to visit her the entire three years she had been there. Maybe her mother had turned her life around and found a new "profession". Maybe it was someone else in her birth family that came and got her, or maybe she is still there. There is no way for us to know. I can only trust that God does love her more than we do, and ultimately he will take care of her. I think of her and pray for her daily still after all this time. In my heart I still have a child out there, a child that I may never hear of again. I miss her, I long for her and with all my heart I hope she is happy!

We are done, DONE, with adoption! Obviously we were not really meant to adopt. Perhaps I had a lesson (or many) to learn, maybe it was a test of obedience, maybe I "heard" wrong. Whatever it was, we had reached the end of the road.

Two of my friends had recently adopted from China. I joined a group so that I could share their experiences. One thing led to another, and I saw a face...

Something stirred inside me. Silently I leaned in closer to the screen. "Oh my gosh" I whispered to the screen "Is that you? Is that really you? Are you my daughter?" I flashed back to another dream from my childhood when I am calling to my child. As she turns to smile at me, her jet black, straight hair falls over her beautiful Asian eyes...

(click here to skip forward to our trip to China)

The Journey - Part 7

(If you are just joining, you can find the links to Parts 1-6 in my sidebar.)

We woke early the next morning and decided to venture down to the small shop located on the first floor of the hotel. English was not well known in the remote area we were in, so trying to communicate with the girl at the shop was proving to be difficult. No matter what we said the girl behind the counter kept trying to hand us warm bottles of water. Finally a man in the shop took pity on us and asked us "eggs?". We really wanted to have coffee but we couldn't seem to make anyone understand us because apparently we are not very good at charades, and all of the Russian that I had studied and tried to memorize was nowhere to be found. The helpful man just kept repeating eggs louder while nodding at us. Finally we agreed and said "Yes, eggs please." The man beamed his approval at us and spoke to the girl behind the counter. He waved us over to a small table, so we took a seat and waited. Soon we received two plates with fried eggs on them. Every time we saw the man after that he would smile, nod and say "eggs". We decided it was the only English word that he knew.

We were ready to go before it was actually time, so we paced around our room and tried to settle our nerves. Finally it was time to meet the taxis. We were joined by the other couple that was there for their court date to adopt twin girls from the same orphanage. The taxi ride cost about $0.50 for the fifteen minute ride to the orphanage. We made nervous small talk with the driver but were really just anxious to catch our first glimpse of the orphanage.


We pulled up in front of the large, pink building and looked around at the barren playground and stark surroundings. As I glanced at the windows I noticed children peeking out from the dark windows in various rooms throughout the orphanage.



Immediately when we passed through the door we were hit with an incredibly strong smell. It smelled of years of continuously cooking cabbage mixed in with the new plaster they were putting on the walls going up the stairs. Everywhere we went we could hear the echoes of babies crying. We were led in to a large room and told that we were to wait there while our guide went to get Nastya. The room was large and had several doors off of each side of the room. There were several colored pictures taped to the walls, a piano and small chairs lining the parameter of the room. One of the doors had a curtain instead of glass in it and we could hear babies crying from within that room.

Finally a door opened and the smallest little girl walked in looking as scared as could be. Her hair had been shaved and she was wearing a dress that seemed to make her fidget a lot. We showed her all the toys that we had brought and she closely examined every one of them. She was so fascinated by the ones that made sounds.


She did not seem to be scared of us but was definitely timid. She didn't make any sounds or talk, but just looked at us and at the toys we had brought. She looked a little bit stunned and unsure to be here in this room with us. Her little legs kept flexing and she was having muscle spasms that moved up her body and ended with her clenching her jaw. These happened so much the first day that I stated to feel worried about what could possibly be wrong with her. We spent the morning playing with her and she warmed up to us, especially after we gave her food. She quickly swallowed without chewing everything we offered her. I was scared that she would choke, so I started only giving her small pieces of food at a time.
We went over her medical information with our guide which stated that they had diagnosed her twitching as hyperactive syndrome and that she received regular medication for this. This did not sound completely right to me, but there was nothing else in her file about it. I mentioned it to my husband, but he had not noticed anything, mainly because he was busy falling in love with this little girl.

Pat was beaming from the moment that he saw her. It was the strangest thing to me, because he could see nothing but this scared little girl and I could see nothing but the twitching and flexing that she was doing. When I look back at the pictures his face is radiant - just glowing, and I am studying the muscle spasms and going over in my mind the many possibilities of what it could be and what this would mean for us all as a family, if this was more than hyperactivity.

This was not the way it was "supposed" to be. I was the one that was going to be head over heels in love with her the moment I saw her and he would be the one that would have doubts.

We were asked if we wanted to give her lunch, we said definitely we would love to do that. They brought in a small chair and table and sat her down. It is an understatement to say that feeding her was a horrible experience.
It was a frantic shoving of hard bread, extremely hot, steaming tea and porridge that ended in about 2 or 3 minutes. She crammed as much food as possible down her throat without chewing and forced it down with the burning hot tea, the whole time her tiny body was shuddering from the scalding temperatures of the tea and porridge. I had never experienced such desperation in my life, and have not seen it again since. It truly broke our hearts to watch! I could not bring myself to feed her a meal again the rest of the trip.

As the day went on she started responding to us more. She would start walking backwards from across the room and then when she got close enough she would plop down on Pat's lap and snuggle into him.
At one point she kept trying to walk down a hallway, but we kept calling her back because they had told us to keep her in this room with us. Pat put her on his lap again and was showing her a book when all of the sudden he sat up straight and lifted her off his leg. There was a large wet spot where she had been sitting. It explained why she kept trying to do down the hallway, because now I noticed the little buckets that were lined up in the hallway.

When it was time for us to go, Nastya went off with the staff and never looked back. We watched her until she was out of site and then we were ready to leave. My head was pounding and the babies were still crying, and really they had never stopped the whole time we were there.

We went back to the hotel and had dinner with the other couple, that had spent the day with their girls, and our guide. We all had a wonderful time and we were able to laugh and enjoy their company. After such a stressful day, it felt good to be there together and talk over our day and my concerns.

That night I again lay in bed, praying my heart out. I was scared and wanted reassurance that I was up to the task before us and at the same time I was upset with myself for being scared.

To be continued...