Our Journey - Part 10

(If you are just joining in, you may want to start at Part 1. The links to all parts are in my side bar.)

The Hilt case was only one of many recently reported incidents of abuse reported within adoptive families that broke at or around the same time. Combine that with rumors flying around Russia about American families wanting to adopt children for body parts, well things didn't look good for those of us in the middle of the adoption process and waiting for court dates.

It was easy to feel angry with the judge as she turned away American family after American family. Demanding excessive and ridiculous amounts of paperwork. And yet, if I had approved an adoption to a family that I thought would provide a good life for a child, I know I would feel partly responsible and maybe I would feel like I had been fooled by people pretending to want to provide a loving home. Maybe it would cause me to mistrust all families that would come before me in the future.

In any case we waited. Month after month passed by and no other American families were successful in getting court dates. The Judge retired and we celebrated! Finally a new judge and a new hope! That hope was short lived however, as the new judge was said to be even more against Americans adopting. We then started hearing that money was now being offered to birth families if they would come take their children back. One by one families were notified that birth families had returned for the child, and that their chosen child was no longer available for international adoption.

One night I dreamed: Large balls of fire were raining down from the sky. I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. The sky looked angry with fire balls flinging in all directions but aimed at the earth. A voice boomed to me "The end is near, time has grown short. Do not fear for you have done well, REMEMBER I love her more than even you. Do not fear for I am here!"

I bolted upright, drenched in sweat my heart feeling like it would burst through my chest and my entire body trembling! I ran to the window, more than half expecting to see the fire! There was none. I sucked in breath trying to make sense out of my dream. Was it a dream? It was so incredibly real, it felt real. My body still shook from the hugeness of the voice. I fell to my knees and prayed to God, my Father, the One who loves me more than anyone. My heartbeat became more bearable and I could finally breathe again, and a peace came to my heart.

Over and over I thought about this dream. What does it mean the end is near? THE END? I hoped not, but the end of what?

It was only a few weeks later that we received the news. Nastya had been taken from the orphanage by her birth family. We could no longer adopt her. I hoped it was true, even though they had never even went to visit her the entire three years she had been there. Maybe her mother had turned her life around and found a new "profession". Maybe it was someone else in her birth family that came and got her, or maybe she is still there. There is no way for us to know. I can only trust that God does love her more than we do, and ultimately he will take care of her. I think of her and pray for her daily still after all this time. In my heart I still have a child out there, a child that I may never hear of again. I miss her, I long for her and with all my heart I hope she is happy!

We are done, DONE, with adoption! Obviously we were not really meant to adopt. Perhaps I had a lesson (or many) to learn, maybe it was a test of obedience, maybe I "heard" wrong. Whatever it was, we had reached the end of the road.

Two of my friends had recently adopted from China. I joined a group so that I could share their experiences. One thing led to another, and I saw a face...

Something stirred inside me. Silently I leaned in closer to the screen. "Oh my gosh" I whispered to the screen "Is that you? Is that really you? Are you my daughter?" I flashed back to another dream from my childhood when I am calling to my child. As she turns to smile at me, her jet black, straight hair falls over her beautiful Asian eyes...

(click here to skip forward to our trip to China)