Sunday, September 13, 2009

It's finally happened... "I have two Mom's"

Let me start by backtracking a little bit. We talk about family a lot with Rylee especially. She brings it up and tells us often that she is glad that China gave her the best family, or that she is happy she has a family now. But she really does not want to go any deeper into the conversation than that.


The other day we were out at a deli having lunch and there was a really cute, young girl cleaning off the tables. Rylee talks to everyone and this time was no different. She asked the girl what she was doing and if she had kids. She laughed and said no and told Rylee that she was cute! Rylee looked at me and sighed and said "I wish I could have that girl for my Mom!", I said "what?" Rylee said "I like that girl, she is a good Mommy, I love it to have her for a mommy." I am sure the hurt registered on my face before I could make a neutral expression because Rylee was looking at me and said "never mind". She kept looking at me all through lunch, I was kind of avoiding her gaze because she is so very good at reading people and I didn't want her to feel bad or think that she had hurt me. Pat told her later that she has one Mommy and that is me, and I will be her Mommy forever and ever.


Later that night I spoke with her about it. This is what I told her "Rylee, remember when you said that you wanted that girl to be your mommy?" She nodded and wrapped her arms around me and hid her face in my neck. "Listen to me okay? It's okay for you to like people and if you think someone is really nice and you think they are pretty - that is okay! But you don't know that person, she may be a good Mommy someday when she is a little older, but right now she is a kid. She is older than you, but still very young. If you like someone and you think they are nice or pretty, it's okay to say "I think she is nice and she is very pretty". I think that is what you meant today." She said "That is what I want to say - that girl is beautiful!" We discussed what being a family means again and how special it is and also that it is about relationships. I think to her the highest compliment she can give to someone is to tell them that she wishes they were her mommy. She has told me this about pretty much everyone that she likes and her friends Mom's that she thinks are really nice. Especially the ones that let their kids do whatever they want including yell at their parents, talk back or even hit, stay up late, watch sponge bob (things we don't allow) etc...

It's so easy to try to read stuff into days like this. I know she loves me, love us and feels like she belongs here. She is comfortable and settled. When we first brought her home she would do what is known in the adoption community as "family shop", she doesn't do this anymore BUT she is also far from being ready to sleep over at friends houses or spend extended amounts of time with other families. It's something that is not always understood by my friends or people that are not very familiar with adopting older children.

So the next day when Rylee told me that she "wants two mom's", my husband assumed this had something to do with the girl at the deli and he went right into "you have one Mommy, Rylee and you love her very much! She is your Mommy forever." She wrapped her arm around my neck tighter and said "I have two Mom's, Dad! I talking about my Mom and my China Mom!!!" Now I set her down so that I could look at her because this really surprised me. She has never mentioned another mom (except for her China Little Mom, which is an older girl that helped care for Rylee in the orphanage). I said "Rylee, are you talking about the Mommy that had you in her tummy in China?". She nodded, "Yes, that is the Mom I am talking about - I have two right Mama?". I got down on my knees so that I would be eye to eye with her and told her that she is absolutely right, she does have two Mommies. She has her China Mom and she has me. She said "Right and you are my Mama forever, because China gave you to me so that I could have a Mama forever." and she hugged me. The conversation was over, but in reality I think it is really just beginning. I just hope I do this right...

Totally unrelated I wanted to share Rylee's Sunday outfit. The first outfit includes one of my old black party dresses from many years ago and the thing on top of her hat is a little number that goes over one of her Disney nightgowns lol! Very creative - but I made her go try again. The second outfit is Hanna's shorts that she insists are her size now. We let her wear the last one :)


9 comments:

  1. She seemed pretty 'matter-of-fact' about it, which is good, right? I think it's awesome that she says you are her Mama forever. :)

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  2. Dawn,
    I just happened to read your post ( I had clicked to follow via friend connect a while back). You did so well handling Rylee's statement! We have not discussed as much as you apparently have. Our daughter just turned 4. She did say recently, to me, "You are going to go live somewhere else, far away, and I will miss you." Whaaat? I asked why she said that, or where she heard that. No definitive answer of course. She repeated the thought one more time and then dropped it.
    We attended th Pearl Buck House International Day this past sunday, and a little girl asked Mary if she was born in china. The girl said,"I was born in Jiangxi." I said that Mary was born in Hunan, and the girl said that her sister was born in Hunan too. Nothing further from my daughter regarding this.
    I think we are going to start to hear some questions very soon! Rylee's comprehension and insight is amazing! Love her ensemble too.

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  3. I'm so glad you keep the talk open at all times so she knows she can be open with you. You are right it is just the beginning. It will be painful so many times, but it will be full and good.

    The pain of not knowing my father still makes me cry...no ..bawl so many times.

    And I think she'll go into fashion! She is so cute.

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  4. Oh Dawn, I was holding my breath the entire time while reading your post. It happens (different time and details but basically the same)to every adoptive family and it's pivitol. You handled it beautifully.

    And I'm sure you will continue to in the future as it really has just begun.

    And yes, she's a cutie-pie with her get-ups and posing. Full of beans and joy your little Rylee.

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  5. Oh, you poor thing. I am sure that you prepared yourself for much of this, but I know it must hurt so deeply. You are so so strong! Follow your heart, I am sure you will know what is right to do and say!

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  6. What a smart and beautiful girl!

    Following you from MBC...
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  7. Wow, great post!

    I am adopted as well and will definitely keep watching this blog!

    Thanks for following me and entering in the giveaway!

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    Best,
    EcoMeg

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  9. Oh my I think this is exactly what you needed to hear from her and you are handling it perfect.. When I first started to read this post I was thinking oh my gosh how would I handle this if this were to happen to me. Everytime I read what you said I was thinking oh thats perfect!!

    It sounds like she is coming to terms with the fact that she is adopted. It's obviously still hard on her since she thinks compliments are claiming anew mom but it sounds like her forever mom (which is just amazing! ) has the right things to say to comfort her..

    Don't be hard on your self. I think you know exactly what to say.. congrats on your beautiful daughters!

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