Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Insecurity and questions...

Sometimes things can just kind of move along and it is almost possible to forget (or at least put in the back of your mind) that your daughter has only been home just over a year. Sometimes she does so well and is so much a part of our family, that it is almost hard to remember that she hasn't always been with us.

But a couple of weeks ago when I was sick and out of commission it was very hard on Rylee. When she is not at school, I am always with her and she just did not know how to handle Mama laying on the couch and not being able to get up. For those of you that don't know me that well - I am desperately slightly germophobic. I did not want Rylee to get the stomach flu and so wouldn't let her in the room with me. She would come in the room and stand by the door with her hands stretched out towards me with a barely audible "Mama... Mama... I want you... I really want you!" I will spare you the gory details and just say that there was no way that I could get up or even away from the bucket that I was wrapped around. But no matter how sick you are, you can't just see your child needing you and not try to do something.

So I asked my husband to go pick up masks for the girls so that they could come in the room and not breath in "my" germ(y) air. He had a strange look on his face, but he went anyway :) This was my second round with this bug - so I didn't for one minute believe that you can't get the flu after you have already had it. Unfortunately the mask was just way too big for Rylee's little face and she couldn't stay in very long. She cried when Daddy took her out of the room, and I felt even worse!

I knew that this was hard on Rylee, but I didn't realize just how hard it was until the second day. I went outside to meet the bus and as she came around the front of the bus I immediately noticed the little "penguin shuffle". She waddled over to me shouting "MAMA... MAMA... da da ba ba ma ma". I knew this wasn't good - penguin waddle and baby talk... She did these same things when we were in China and she first came to us.

Poor sweetie - I can only imagine what was going through her head. After a couple of days she asked me "Mama, you member that time when you was in the couch, an you was sick - do you member that Mama?" (as if I could forget that easily) "Well Mama - maybe you would get dead!"

Ack... I should be more prepared for these things, I should have known that she might be worried about this - but we have not talked about death yet. While she has a giant vocabulary, language comprehension takes so much longer and some things can be hard to explain still. I should have realized that she would be worried about losing me. We talked about how people get sick and then usually get better, but suddenly she is talking about dying a lot.

Something good that I think has come out of all of this is that she is really trying to vocalize her questions and think about the answers.



  1. :-(

    Bless her heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I just ache for her! I have btdt and kwym TOTALLY about the germs!!!!


    Smooches for the girls!

    Hugs for you!

  2. This was such a sweet post. I hope you feel better soon!

  3. My heart breaks for you both. It is so hard when our children our hurt. I, as always can relate on so many levels. Just the other day I was reminding myself she has only been home a bit over a year.

    I was sick once where I ended up in ER and my MIL came to get her, bring her home and take her to bed. I was out of it for a day or so and her and Baba did great. But after it was hard. You could tell it was rough on her.

    I will never know if that is when the death talk started because I never put them together before. I guess I could go back to my post and my er slip and check the dates, but we have been on death talk for a while. It comes up now and again. For a while it was constant. I can now talk about my own death as if I am talking about the weather. We have even discussed things such as after I die she will shake the pooh snow globe I gave her and remember me. She has spoken about my grave site and having my picture there in a box so it doesn't get wet with I forget what else. But you name it, we talked about it.

    It started with the general concept that she couldn't bear to be without me. We did move past that and I am proud of her for that.

    We had a very difficult time convining her that I would do my best to be around a long long time. I still think she stuggles with time, better, but the idea of me at age 86 is just hard for her to get. And her being grown and all that.

    good luck, if she is anything like Zuzu, the talk has just begun.

    You know what else I just thought of as well. My dad got sick and was hospitalized. We went to see him and that was fine. Then one day I went to visit while she was in school and he wasn't do well. He wanted to die. I couldn't leave him and my mom so I stayed the night an hour a way. She acted brave and did well with Rich. (showed him how to run the house. LOL) but later admited she thought I might not come back. Or she was concerned that I would stay a bunch of days in a row and that was too much for her to handle. I told her that grandpa needed me, but he also understands that she needs me as well.

    Hope you keep the flu away and get better.
    And I am glad for you both that Rylee is verbalizing her questions. I think it is so great they ask these things and don't just keep them inside.

  4. That must have been soooo hard on you!! I'm glad you're feeling better!!

  5. glad your feeling better and things are better with Rylee she is beautiful! love the picture of catching snowflakes on there tounges!! too cute!



  7. Eeep, being sick is enough, but having to deal with a child that doesn't understand must have been tremendously hard. (der, that's what your post was about!) Hope you are feeling better.

    Stopping by from SiTS to say hello and deliver some virtual Soup. You pick the kind.


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